I'M MOVING!!!! :D

My blog, that is! :)

The new location for this blog is going to be keepcalmanddefygravity.blogspot.com

For those who have been reading my blogs here and there, thank you soooo much for taking the time out of your day to have an interest in my musings. See you on the flipside!! :))

With Open Arms

I think I'm ready to embrace life. If you care to hear me out, then read on. Otherwise, don't mind me, if you know me well enough, I get these "High On Life" moods here and there so I try to take advantage of them and write down my positivity so I can read them again when I'm down.

Anyway, moving on.

I'm ready to move on to bigger and better things. Whether it's to replace old feelings, to forget about the past. I'm just so darn tootin' tired of this life that I wanna move on. I'm constantly struggling and fighting to be happy and I'm just ready to Just Be Happy.

I have amazing friends that will always be there for me. I've gained new friends that I'm just so happy about. I've spend my summer really well this year. All I need is someone to share my happiness and love with, but I know God has someone for me, I just have to wait REAAAALLLLLYYYY patiently for that person. I know it's gonna be worth it. I just have to keep doing what I'm good at, eliminate my shortcomings and weaknesses, and just go on. Keep fighting. I'm 26 years old. I don't want to be the last to get married, to be the oldest mom in a Parents-Teachers meeting. I wanna be a young urban professional.

And I'ma do just that.

One Month's Worth of Epiphany

First off, I need to blog more. It obviously keeps me sane.

• I've been working really great hours at my job, and I'm loving it! I actually thought it was awesome I had to work 3 9-hour days that one week. Uh-oh. Does this mean I'm starting to become a workaholic? I don't mind it by the way, because I love my job (as meager my wages are), and the people are really awesome. I like the fact that only a handful of women work there. No drama.

• My friend N and I have been having a blast going out every weekend for more almost two months now. It is frickin' awesome! We go to sketchy dance clubs, local bars, the city, gay clubs, 24hour diners, club openings, birthday parties. It is such a blast! Plus it's the ultimate distraction. It's starting to make my way into my pockets but I guess it's all good. I told him that we're starting to be like Will and Grace.. a sexless marriage. Haha.

• As much as I just LOVE going out and having fun, whenever I come home, I can't help but feel a little bit scared. While some people my age are starting to look towards the direction of settling down, I feel like I'm nowhere near that goal. People around me tell me that I'm perfectly fine where I am at in my life. Enjoy it while it lasts, I'm still young. I'm just scared. I feel like, this going out part of me is always gonna be me. Half of me tells me that it's okay because it's who I am, but the other half is guilty doing it, that I probably should outgrow this phase already. Then I think about wishing that one day, I'd wake up and I'd grow out of it, and it scares me even more. The way that I live now is the way that I know how to live. That probably sounds confusing, but it makes sense to me. I can't let go of something that's me, but I do wanna settle down someday, have kids, all that crap. Haha. I'm torn.

• N invited me to a coworker's birthday party, and I thought I'd feel out of place and shy (yes, I'm super shy around strangers). But this crows was a blast to hang out with! They were all in there early- to mid-thirties, so they're young enough to still have fun but also old enough to know better. I actually, couldn't wait to be around their age (although of course I just wanna be young forever haha) and be as awesome as they are. I read somewhere before, thirty is the new twenty. And it's so true. I agree 100%. I wish that my friends now will still be my friends when I'm thirty. Then life will be a blast.

J, if we end up being roommates, we're not going out every night, right? -N.

• In contrast, I went to yet another college-town party last night with my friend T. The first college-town party T invited me to was so dumb and stupid and reckless and pretty much pointless.. not to mention they were serving Keystone Light, for crying out loud. People were playing beer pong with a door propped on bar stools, smell of weed or whatever in the air, teenagers nursing their drinks of choice: shots, handles, cheap beer. A four-bedroom student housing had AT LEAST 30 in there. This time around, the place was A LOT more mellow, obviously 21 and over, and not as dumb. I was hesitant to go because of my previous experience, but I wanted to do it for my friend 'coz she's my yes-man, and I should be her yes-man too. :)

• I need to conquer my top priorities right now: fixing my car up, and getting a second job. I'm crossing my fingers that everything else will fall into place afterwards. So far life has been a blast, and I thank my friends, my family, and of course My Homie Up Top for that. :))

Old Friend.

About two weeks ago, my good friend Dioni, arrived in the US to work for about half a year. Obviously, this got me really excited as this is the closest I will have to home. We've been friends since high school and the last I've seen him was seven years ago. After finally settling down at his apartment in WI, we decided to meet up Chicago. It was really cool!! But embarrassingly so, I was a couple of hours late. What can I say, driving to the city from the suburbs on a holiday weekend (Taste of Chicago, Fourth of July) was not the best idea. When we met up, we just walked around downtown for a bit, took pictures with his friend and my friend.. until they have to catch the 840 train back home. It was a short time to catch up on each other's lives but There's still six months of that to do. Definitely plenty of time. :D

Quick Blog

My "home" situation has not been comfortable lately, and half the time I'm wishing I can't wait to move out. Check out my rant here.

Today is Chicago's Annual Gay Pride Parade!! And pardon my ignorance and I stand corrected for any wrong info.. but didn't NY pass same sex marriage in the last two days or something? It sure will be an even bigger party today at the parade! :)

The next few weekends are going to be really exciting!!

• Springfield day trip to visit the Lincoln Museum, and Lincoln's Tomb
• Summerfest
• Taste of Chicago
• Fourth of July
• Six Flags

Not to mention, I'm getting more hours at work! :))

For now, I should start getting ready for my busy day ahead.

Options

Looking back, I know I was given a lot of options. But those options that I made were the reasons why I am where I am right now. I believe I made bad choices, but can I really say I'm in a bad place in my life because of those bad choices? Regardless of whether my choices are bad or not, am I a bad person?

These thoughts are pretty deep and random on a Thursday morning. But I can't help it. That's actually the closest I've been able to put my thoughts into words. I get days where I feel like I've hit rock bottom, but on other days I feel like I'm stuck in a middle ground and I feel like I'm watching my life in somebody else's eyes. I know, I know, these all sound weird and all. But I'm in one of those moods.

Situation 1: I had an argument with my friend (to which I'd rather not go into detail). I had two options, tell her what I was thinking, or tell her nothing. Since I have the tendency to run my mouth a little and saying what I think/feel, I chose to do so and she got mad at me. Had I chosen to shut my mouth would she had gotten mad? My policy with my thoughts and words is that just because you didn't say it, doesn't mean you weren't thinking it. Because of what happened, I decided to vent a little to my other friend. Lo and behold, the next day I was accused of talking about people behind their back.. swear words included. I had two options, didn't I? Open up and vent what I feel because I trusted that person, or shut my mouth. I chose to open up because I felt that that person could be trusted. But I guess not. (..and people don't know why I have trust issues, sheesh.) In this case, I couldn't win.

Situation 2: Last week, I went to Chicago on three different days. Knowing that I had an outstanding bill to pay for, and the money I have to work with is on the low side, I still decided to spend it. Two of those days were supposed to be free trips to the museum. The third was a shopping trip planned months ago. I had choices right? Suck it up and don't spend money on the free days, pay the bill, and save for the shopping trip. That or spend the money, and hope for the best something good happens along the way. Well, in my eagerness to please and fit in, I just went with what everyone wanted to do. Hey, it made for an awesome good time in Chicago so who's complaining right? Definitely not me. But shopping trip came, and I was broke as hell and I ended up spending my money to the very last penny. Well, I had three dollars left. Haha. And yet, I wasn't quite satisfied with what I've purchase. Mainly because I had to settle. I'd find something I really, really like but opt for something QUITE like it for a way cheaper price. I waited three months for this shopping trip to settle?! But there you go again, another fork in the road. Settle or don't settle.

Situation 3: 75% of the time, I'm like a miserable lovesick puppy in dire need of love and attention. I miss having someone special, I miss holding hands with someone, movie dates, cuddling, sweet nothing, yada yada frickin' yada. But when I get the opportunity to "give someone a chance", I shut down faster than an expensive jewelry store's security system. What's wrong with me? I get these kind of options sometimes, and what do I do? I hit the ground running. That's messed up yo.

Situation 4: I was offered a position (a new position created and I was offered it!!) by a higher up at work, and I thought it's my lucky break. But it was an epic fail as my manager wouldn't give me up because "we have too many things to do. That really broke my heart. Here I thought I was getting awesome at what I do, but I guess I wasn't good enough because I felt like I wasn't deserving of that position. I could seriously, honestly, forreal say that I was heartbroken. And trust me, I know NOW how being heartbroken feels like. I was so devastated, I was actually going "what's the point" at work. I was sad, and I lost my motivation to be the best at what I do because what's the point? It doesn't matter if the owner of the company wanted me to be administrative anything. As long as I am needed in my department, I will never move up. I had I choice, I know deep in my heart I had a choice: talk to my manager and tell her exactly how badly I need this new position. It's the big break I've been waiting for. It will help me improve my life. But instead, I chose to shut it so as not to sever any ties with her. She's awesome and all, I know she'll give me good recommendations. So I just decided to suck it up. Grin and bear it.

Actually, I could go on and on and on. But my head hurts from all these rollercoaster feelings I'm unraveling right now. So maybe next time.

Conclusion: trust issues, abandonment issues, low self esteem.. what else?

God Works In Mysterious Ways

First question: Is it REALLY a part of growing up and being mature to "get over" things that bother you? Do we REALLY have to?

The saying goes, "Forgive and forget." Some would argue that they can forgive but they will never forget. I agree with those some people  because how will you learn your lesson when you forget, right? And while I agree, I think it's suffice to say that I'm actually part of what I think is a very small community of people that would rather forget that forgive.

And sadly enough, I can say I'm very good at that: dodging issues, not wanting to talk about it, ignoring people and things. Yeah, I'm a real masterpiece.

Anyway, enough about my wondering thoughts. Here's my story:

I had to go through an insufferable day yesterday for my friend's paintball party. He and whatsherface had decided they wanted to join my friends, and be part of my life for that day. I had asked God to give me the strength and the patience to deal with them and my storm clouds of emotions for that day. With my game face on (read: shades to cover up my eyes and iPod to tune out the rest of the world), I set out to fulfill my friendly duties for the day. As I was experiencing the constant feeling of that rollercoaster drops, anticipation, stress, and unwanted memories flooding back in.. not to mention suppressed anger boiling and ready to explode, God worked His mysterious way for me. He and whatsherface took a wrong turn along time way (read: let's not confirm that we got the right address and set off into day, shall we?) and ended up in Indiana. (FYI: the Illinois-Indiana-Kentucky-Tennessee-Georgia-Florida route is of very deep and special importance to me. Dipping in Indiana.. not good. Hahaha!!)

I'm thinking he probably got frustrated finding out he ended up in the wrong part of town, seeing as I know he misses the wolfpack (I miss the wolfpack too!! But I guess, we can't always get what we want huh? :[  ). I'm thinking he tried to make do with what he has and made a day of it, not letting it end on a sour not. FYI, if that was me, we'd have been in the right place in a heartbeat. Oh well, that's makes both of us S.O.L then. Again with the sad face :[.

Anyway, the ladies and I powwowed and we pretty much covered that God rewarded me for AT LEAST TRYING to be the bigger person in the situation. Roger wanted his friend for his party, and he shall get it, regardless of the fact that it was supposedly a private party and all.

I'm just really thankful that regardless of the emotional stress I went through that day, I was able to enjoy that day with my adopted family and my friends without any gatecrashers. And hey, don't get me wrong, regardless of what he did to me, he is welcome just because whether I'm angry at him or not, he still resides in my heart together with all my friends that are special to me. He will always a spot, I guarantee it. But that's where I draw the line.

But for now, I'm just gonna have to settle with what I have. Because, from what I've seen so far, God has wonderful plans for me. What that is, I have yet to find out. =/

In A Nutshell Part 1

I'm baaaack!!

The last two months have been quite a rollercoaster ride, it's seriously not even funny. It was as much fun as it was stressfull, and I am emotionally, physically, and mentally drained. Let's see if I can recap what the big blur has been about. (Although, if you follow me on twitter, I'm sure you're pretty much updated to when I last ate..)

• 04.12.11 - Dee, Nadienne, and I went on our girldate to Texas de Brazil. I got a buy one dinner, get one dinner free coupon for my birthday. It was fun, free food is epecially more fun! :)
• 04.16.11 - I registered for a Realy for Life team and I'm a captain this year!! I'm kinda nervous, but I'm excited as well. This is my sixth year rockin' Relay for Life, and my first time being a captain. But thanks to my friend Maria, who helping me out, I hope we raise a decent amount of money!
• 04.22.11 - This day was Earth Day and of course, Dee and I, dealhounds that we are, drove around to score some freebies. Score number 1: Starbucks free coffee when you bring your own mug in.Score number 2:  Disney Store gave out recycled totes when you bring in five plastic shopping bag.
• 04.29.11 - KC and I stayed up from midnight to about 7 am watching The Royal Wedding! Hahaha! I'm sure we're not the only crazy ones who did, and it was fun. And then we pretty much slept all afternoon..ish. And then I went to see Fast Five with Dee, Kuya Owen, Melissa, and Bryan.
• And of course, here are there are a bunch of random shopping trips, food trips, and colorful conversations with wonderful people. :)

In A Nutshell.

    Two things happen can happen when I get extremely overwhelmed (in general): I become super-productive to de-stress.. or in my mind, I'm curled up in a fetal position tuning the world out. With that in mind, I haven't updated on any of my online stuff. So in a nutshell, here's what happened/what I've been thinking.. etc.

• There was that one day (last Tuesday) where I was off from work and I was stuck at home all day that I think I flatlilned to boredom. I was so bored, I didn't even bust out with my knitting/sewing/beading/reading/editing. I just watched episodes of That 70's Show all day, and read pages and pages of Lamebook in between (as of late, I'm on pg137).
• On Wednesday, same boring shiznits happened except late in the afternoon, my roommate asked me if I wanted to do errands at Walmart with her. It's very sad to say that that was the highlight of my two-day break from work.
• Thursday, my roommate KC and I went to Old Navy for some much needed shopping. Actually, she can go shopping 'coz she's now a ballin' LNP while I probably could have done WITHOUT that $45 shopping trip. I told myself I'm punishing myself until I get me a car. Two tops and a cardigan later, guilt is sitting at the pit of my stomach. Mind you, that feeling continued until I came home from work  late that night.
• I guess it didn't help that we Just Had To Go Back to Old Navy to buy the canvas peacoat I didn't get the day before I didn't have enough money. Since I bough something the day before, there was a survey participation thing going on that gives you 10% when you go back to the store. So this peacoat was originally $44.95 dollars, but was on sale for $19.99 PLUS an additional 30% off for all clearance items.. PLUS PLUS my 10% discount for doing the survey.. $13 baby. SUPERSCORE.

My $13 Super Score from Old Navy

•  I finally FINALLY had a Jurin-style birthday!! My friends and I absolutely love going to Jurin. Our teppan/sushi place of choice used to be House of Tokyo/Mr. Samurai in St. Charles.. but we crossed over, haha! Everytime there's a birthday at my friend Dee's family (or any of our friends really) we ALWAYS go to Jurin now. And since my birthday plans didn't include Jurin, I was kinda sad. But KC was kraving (<-haha, see what I did there? :] , we all went. I have a happy tummy, I got the staff to sing for me, I got my Jurin picture AND a free dinner for my birthday next year. Hells yay!!
• I looked pretty cute at work Saturday. Haha, just saying. We're not really supposed to wear jeans at work but sometimes I wear jeans on Saturdays since I'm the only one in the office. But anyway, I was wearing my $7 pair of brown riding boots from Walmart (again, another superscore, as it was originally $30 I think). I got complimented too! One of the sales guys were like, "That's an awesome pair of boots!" I go, "Thankyousevendollarsatwalmart!!" Hahaha.
• After sitting at my desk for nine hours, Dee and I went to go see her a musical at Marmion Academy (hello expensive catholic privates school for boys!) where her niece has a small role in. Can I just say that sitting for another three hours to watch a play (musical?) that I have no clue about REALLY tested my attention span. Halfway through the first act, I told Dee to google the plot so we can understand the twist already. She ended up following along while reading it, haha. I guess, it's about racism and sexism right?? 'Coz the nurse didn't wanna marry that Emile guy because he got with it with a Polynesian woman and had two kids, and this guy Cable (Gable?) couldn't marry this girl because she was a different race (was she supposed to be black?) and he ended up dying and without getting the girl too. *SHRUG* Oh, and according to what I saw, nurses where pretty little sluts back then (with their annoying giggling and strutting their stuff and whatnot).
• Now I'm just chilling at Dee's house because I slept over because she was too tired to drive me back to my apartment. 

My crappy writing got even crappier at the end there. That's 'coz I'm hungry now.

Whoa There, Bad Dream.

     So I woke up around 7am this morning because of a really bad dream. (For a detailed account, check my other blog here.) So what do I do after I've blogged it all out? I try and interpret it.

    According to Dream Moods,

    To dream that you are at somebody else's funeral, signifies that you are burying an old relationship and closing the lid on the past. You may be letting go some of the feelings (resentment, anger, hostility toward someone) that you have been clinging onto. If your are dreaming that you are at a funeral of an unknown person, then it suggests that something in your life needs to put to rest or put aside so that you can make room for something new. You need to investigate further what aspect or component of your life you need to let go.

    To dream that you are crying, signifies a release of negative emotions that is more likely caused by some waking situation rather than the events of the dream itself. Your dream is a way to regain some emotional balance and to safely let out your fears and frustrations. In your daily lives, you tend to ignore, deny, or repress your feelings. But in your dream state, your defense mechanisms are no longer on guard and thus allow for the release of those feelings that you have repressed during the day. 

    To dream that you are in tears, signify that you are undergoing a period of healing in your life. The tears symbolize compassion, emotional healing and spiritual cleansing. Alternatively, tears indicate pain

    To see a body in a coffin in your dream, signifies that you are going through a period of depression. You may feel confined, restricted and that you are lacking personal freedom. There may be a dead or decaying situation or issue in your life that you need to address. It is time to end this situation or relationship.

    To dream that you are inside a church, suggests that you are seeking for spiritual enlightenment and guidance. You are looking to be uplifted in some way. Perhaps you have made some past mistakes which have set you back on your path toward your goals. With proper support, you will get on the right track again. Alternatively, the dream may also mean that you are questioning and debating your life path and where it is leading. You are reevaluating what you want to do.

    To see others fighting in your dream, suggests that you are unwilling to acknowledge your own problems and turmoil. You are not taking any responsibility or initiative in trying to resolve issues in your waking life.

    To see a shattered and broken window in your dream, represents your distorted view and outlook on life. It is also indicates a state of vulnerability.

    To see or sit on a pew in your dream, suggests that you need to stop and reflect on your past mistakes or issues before you can move forward. You need to question the decisions and choices that you are making. Perhaps it is time to acknowledge your former wrongdoings

    To see friends in your dream, signify aspects of your personality that you have rejected, but are ready to incorporate and acknowledge. The relationships you have with those around you are important in learning about yourself. Alternatively, dreaming of a friend, indicates positive news

    So there it is. I just listed down some of the things I remembered from my dream and tried to interpret it. Basically, it's telling me that I'm ready to move on from my past, I'm ready to close that chapter behind me, that I shouldn't hold back my feelings or pretend it's not there. Pretty much.

Just Dance.

    So this is really frustrating. Lately, I've bombarded my life with anything dance. I've been obsessing with choreography videos by Kyle Hanagami, my friend updating her Twitter with her dance adventures, and movies about dance.
    When I was 7, my grandma insisted on signing me up for ballet classes but I wouldn't go for it because I wanted karate lessons. Ballet = Girls. Karate = Boys. So I ended up signed up for neither. Years later, here I am looking at dance classes at local dance academies or park districts around my area. I don't want competitive dancing. I just want to learn how to dance. I want to learn how tap, belly dancing (even though I'm sure I can't force my body to move like that), jazz, ballroom, and of course hiphop. Heck, I'll even give ballet a shot.. or Zumba. I just want to move my feet and dance.
    I'm a clubhead and sometimes I get frustrated because I really wish I can get clubbing out of my system. But I really love going out and dancing the night away. Granted, I would never bootydance with someone that's not my boyfriend, but still. I can't sing to save my soul, I can't model (which I really wanted to back in highschool), I can't act, I can't even play an instrument. But I know that I can follow rhythm. I'm not flexible, I can't do the splits or cartwheels but I swear with every dance bone in my body, I can dance.
    This obsession with wanting to learn how to dance increased after I had a Step Up movie marathon with my roommates a few weeks ago. So much so that "Good Dancer" has now been added to my ever-growing list of Guy Standards.
    Is that bad?

The truest expression of a people is in its dance and in its music.  Bodies never lie.  ~Agnes de Mille

     I need to do something significant. I'm going to dance. Hmmmm, where should I go?

April Fool's Indeed

    Ok, so I totally get it. Today is the day when you don't believe what ANYONE has to say. Today, everyone's either going to be a parent, getting married, getting engaged, quitting their jobs, moving somewhere far, got injured, died, got sick.. whatever, anything.
    With that point in mind, what did I see when I opened my inbox today? An OKCupid suggestion. Wait, let me backtrack..

    A few months back, I had this blog about online dating and how it's a more acceptable form of meeting people the older you get. I know of a handful of people who are with their significant others they've met through online dating websites. So, to experiment on that and see what results it gives me, I signed up for a free account at OKCupid.com.
    Here and there, they would email me notifications telling me they found new matches for me. Today, when I opened my account this is what I found:

    Not only do I KNOW this person PERSONALLY, I hate his guts too!! I mean granted, we're civil around each other, but I really dislike this person. He did something a while back that got some of my friends in trouble and he got away unscathed. After that, I just stopped being his friend.
    I laughed when I saw this because it's hilarious and NOT hilarious at the same time. I checked his profile and it said that we are 88% compatible. Yeah, okay. I immediately deleted my account before HE receives a notification saying I'M compatible for him.
    Which brings me to this mindset: Are my options really running low? I've tried online dating so that I can meet someone outside of my comfort zone and I was RECOMMENDED the one person whose guts I hate? I'm 26 years old and I've only had one boyfriend. Am I really gonna end up single? To tell the truth, marriage is in my life plan okay? But I've been single for a year and a half now. And in that span of time, I've never dated, hooked up, or even MET someone.
    I guess what this life is telling me is that.. The Joke Is On Me.