I think I'm ready to embrace life. If you care to hear me out, then read on. Otherwise, don't mind me, if you know me well enough, I get these "High On Life" moods here and there so I try to take advantage of them and write down my positivity so I can read them again when I'm down.
Anyway, moving on.
I'm ready to move on to bigger and better things. Whether it's to replace old feelings, to forget about the past. I'm just so darn tootin' tired of this life that I wanna move on. I'm constantly struggling and fighting to be happy and I'm just ready to Just Be Happy.
I have amazing friends that will always be there for me. I've gained new friends that I'm just so happy about. I've spend my summer really well this year. All I need is someone to share my happiness and love with, but I know God has someone for me, I just have to wait REAAAALLLLLYYYY patiently for that person. I know it's gonna be worth it. I just have to keep doing what I'm good at, eliminate my shortcomings and weaknesses, and just go on. Keep fighting. I'm 26 years old. I don't want to be the last to get married, to be the oldest mom in a Parents-Teachers meeting. I wanna be a young urban professional.
And I'ma do just that.
Showing posts with label emotional. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emotional. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Options
Looking back, I know I was given a lot of options. But those options that I made were the reasons why I am where I am right now. I believe I made bad choices, but can I really say I'm in a bad place in my life because of those bad choices? Regardless of whether my choices are bad or not, am I a bad person?
These thoughts are pretty deep and random on a Thursday morning. But I can't help it. That's actually the closest I've been able to put my thoughts into words. I get days where I feel like I've hit rock bottom, but on other days I feel like I'm stuck in a middle ground and I feel like I'm watching my life in somebody else's eyes. I know, I know, these all sound weird and all. But I'm in one of those moods.
Situation 1: I had an argument with my friend (to which I'd rather not go into detail). I had two options, tell her what I was thinking, or tell her nothing. Since I have the tendency to run my mouth a little and saying what I think/feel, I chose to do so and she got mad at me. Had I chosen to shut my mouth would she had gotten mad? My policy with my thoughts and words is that just because you didn't say it, doesn't mean you weren't thinking it. Because of what happened, I decided to vent a little to my other friend. Lo and behold, the next day I was accused of talking about people behind their back.. swear words included. I had two options, didn't I? Open up and vent what I feel because I trusted that person, or shut my mouth. I chose to open up because I felt that that person could be trusted. But I guess not. (..and people don't know why I have trust issues, sheesh.) In this case, I couldn't win.
Situation 2: Last week, I went to Chicago on three different days. Knowing that I had an outstanding bill to pay for, and the money I have to work with is on the low side, I still decided to spend it. Two of those days were supposed to be free trips to the museum. The third was a shopping trip planned months ago. I had choices right? Suck it up and don't spend money on the free days, pay the bill, and save for the shopping trip. That or spend the money, and hope for the best something good happens along the way. Well, in my eagerness to please and fit in, I just went with what everyone wanted to do. Hey, it made for an awesome good time in Chicago so who's complaining right? Definitely not me. But shopping trip came, and I was broke as hell and I ended up spending my money to the very last penny. Well, I had three dollars left. Haha. And yet, I wasn't quite satisfied with what I've purchase. Mainly because I had to settle. I'd find something I really, really like but opt for something QUITE like it for a way cheaper price. I waited three months for this shopping trip to settle?! But there you go again, another fork in the road. Settle or don't settle.
Situation 3: 75% of the time, I'm like a miserable lovesick puppy in dire need of love and attention. I miss having someone special, I miss holding hands with someone, movie dates, cuddling, sweet nothing, yada yada frickin' yada. But when I get the opportunity to "give someone a chance", I shut down faster than an expensive jewelry store's security system. What's wrong with me? I get these kind of options sometimes, and what do I do? I hit the ground running. That's messed up yo.
Situation 4: I was offered a position (a new position created and I was offered it!!) by a higher up at work, and I thought it's my lucky break. But it was an epic fail as my manager wouldn't give me up because "we have too many things to do. That really broke my heart. Here I thought I was getting awesome at what I do, but I guess I wasn't good enough because I felt like I wasn't deserving of that position. I could seriously, honestly, forreal say that I was heartbroken. And trust me, I know NOW how being heartbroken feels like. I was so devastated, I was actually going "what's the point" at work. I was sad, and I lost my motivation to be the best at what I do because what's the point? It doesn't matter if the owner of the company wanted me to be administrative anything. As long as I am needed in my department, I will never move up. I had I choice, I know deep in my heart I had a choice: talk to my manager and tell her exactly how badly I need this new position. It's the big break I've been waiting for. It will help me improve my life. But instead, I chose to shut it so as not to sever any ties with her. She's awesome and all, I know she'll give me good recommendations. So I just decided to suck it up. Grin and bear it.
Actually, I could go on and on and on. But my head hurts from all these rollercoaster feelings I'm unraveling right now. So maybe next time.
Conclusion: trust issues, abandonment issues, low self esteem.. what else?
These thoughts are pretty deep and random on a Thursday morning. But I can't help it. That's actually the closest I've been able to put my thoughts into words. I get days where I feel like I've hit rock bottom, but on other days I feel like I'm stuck in a middle ground and I feel like I'm watching my life in somebody else's eyes. I know, I know, these all sound weird and all. But I'm in one of those moods.
Situation 1: I had an argument with my friend (to which I'd rather not go into detail). I had two options, tell her what I was thinking, or tell her nothing. Since I have the tendency to run my mouth a little and saying what I think/feel, I chose to do so and she got mad at me. Had I chosen to shut my mouth would she had gotten mad? My policy with my thoughts and words is that just because you didn't say it, doesn't mean you weren't thinking it. Because of what happened, I decided to vent a little to my other friend. Lo and behold, the next day I was accused of talking about people behind their back.. swear words included. I had two options, didn't I? Open up and vent what I feel because I trusted that person, or shut my mouth. I chose to open up because I felt that that person could be trusted. But I guess not. (..and people don't know why I have trust issues, sheesh.) In this case, I couldn't win.
Situation 2: Last week, I went to Chicago on three different days. Knowing that I had an outstanding bill to pay for, and the money I have to work with is on the low side, I still decided to spend it. Two of those days were supposed to be free trips to the museum. The third was a shopping trip planned months ago. I had choices right? Suck it up and don't spend money on the free days, pay the bill, and save for the shopping trip. That or spend the money, and hope for the best something good happens along the way. Well, in my eagerness to please and fit in, I just went with what everyone wanted to do. Hey, it made for an awesome good time in Chicago so who's complaining right? Definitely not me. But shopping trip came, and I was broke as hell and I ended up spending my money to the very last penny. Well, I had three dollars left. Haha. And yet, I wasn't quite satisfied with what I've purchase. Mainly because I had to settle. I'd find something I really, really like but opt for something QUITE like it for a way cheaper price. I waited three months for this shopping trip to settle?! But there you go again, another fork in the road. Settle or don't settle.
Situation 3: 75% of the time, I'm like a miserable lovesick puppy in dire need of love and attention. I miss having someone special, I miss holding hands with someone, movie dates, cuddling, sweet nothing, yada yada frickin' yada. But when I get the opportunity to "give someone a chance", I shut down faster than an expensive jewelry store's security system. What's wrong with me? I get these kind of options sometimes, and what do I do? I hit the ground running. That's messed up yo.
Situation 4: I was offered a position (a new position created and I was offered it!!) by a higher up at work, and I thought it's my lucky break. But it was an epic fail as my manager wouldn't give me up because "we have too many things to do. That really broke my heart. Here I thought I was getting awesome at what I do, but I guess I wasn't good enough because I felt like I wasn't deserving of that position. I could seriously, honestly, forreal say that I was heartbroken. And trust me, I know NOW how being heartbroken feels like. I was so devastated, I was actually going "what's the point" at work. I was sad, and I lost my motivation to be the best at what I do because what's the point? It doesn't matter if the owner of the company wanted me to be administrative anything. As long as I am needed in my department, I will never move up. I had I choice, I know deep in my heart I had a choice: talk to my manager and tell her exactly how badly I need this new position. It's the big break I've been waiting for. It will help me improve my life. But instead, I chose to shut it so as not to sever any ties with her. She's awesome and all, I know she'll give me good recommendations. So I just decided to suck it up. Grin and bear it.
Actually, I could go on and on and on. But my head hurts from all these rollercoaster feelings I'm unraveling right now. So maybe next time.
Conclusion: trust issues, abandonment issues, low self esteem.. what else?
Monday, June 6, 2011
God Works In Mysterious Ways
First question: Is it REALLY a part of growing up and being mature to "get over" things that bother you? Do we REALLY have to?
The saying goes, "Forgive and forget." Some would argue that they can forgive but they will never forget. I agree with those some people because how will you learn your lesson when you forget, right? And while I agree, I think it's suffice to say that I'm actually part of what I think is a very small community of people that would rather forget that forgive.
And sadly enough, I can say I'm very good at that: dodging issues, not wanting to talk about it, ignoring people and things. Yeah, I'm a real masterpiece.
Anyway, enough about my wondering thoughts. Here's my story:
I had to go through an insufferable day yesterday for my friend's paintball party. He and whatsherface had decided they wanted to join my friends, and be part of my life for that day. I had asked God to give me the strength and the patience to deal with them and my storm clouds of emotions for that day. With my game face on (read: shades to cover up my eyes and iPod to tune out the rest of the world), I set out to fulfill my friendly duties for the day. As I was experiencing the constant feeling of that rollercoaster drops, anticipation, stress, and unwanted memories flooding back in.. not to mention suppressed anger boiling and ready to explode, God worked His mysterious way for me. He and whatsherface took a wrong turn along time way (read: let's not confirm that we got the right address and set off into day, shall we?) and ended up in Indiana. (FYI: the Illinois-Indiana-Kentucky-Tennessee-Georgia-Florida route is of very deep and special importance to me. Dipping in Indiana.. not good. Hahaha!!)
I'm thinking he probably got frustrated finding out he ended up in the wrong part of town, seeing as I know he misses the wolfpack (I miss the wolfpack too!! But I guess, we can't always get what we want huh? :[ ). I'm thinking he tried to make do with what he has and made a day of it, not letting it end on a sour not. FYI, if that was me, we'd have been in the right place in a heartbeat. Oh well, that's makes both of us S.O.L then. Again with the sad face :[.
Anyway, the ladies and I powwowed and we pretty much covered that God rewarded me for AT LEAST TRYING to be the bigger person in the situation. Roger wanted his friend for his party, and he shall get it, regardless of the fact that it was supposedly a private party and all.
I'm just really thankful that regardless of the emotional stress I went through that day, I was able to enjoy that day with my adopted family and my friends without any gatecrashers. And hey, don't get me wrong, regardless of what he did to me, he is welcome just because whether I'm angry at him or not, he still resides in my heart together with all my friends that are special to me. He will always a spot, I guarantee it. But that's where I draw the line.
But for now, I'm just gonna have to settle with what I have. Because, from what I've seen so far, God has wonderful plans for me. What that is, I have yet to find out. =/
The saying goes, "Forgive and forget." Some would argue that they can forgive but they will never forget. I agree with those some people because how will you learn your lesson when you forget, right? And while I agree, I think it's suffice to say that I'm actually part of what I think is a very small community of people that would rather forget that forgive.
And sadly enough, I can say I'm very good at that: dodging issues, not wanting to talk about it, ignoring people and things. Yeah, I'm a real masterpiece.
Anyway, enough about my wondering thoughts. Here's my story:
I had to go through an insufferable day yesterday for my friend's paintball party. He and whatsherface had decided they wanted to join my friends, and be part of my life for that day. I had asked God to give me the strength and the patience to deal with them and my storm clouds of emotions for that day. With my game face on (read: shades to cover up my eyes and iPod to tune out the rest of the world), I set out to fulfill my friendly duties for the day. As I was experiencing the constant feeling of that rollercoaster drops, anticipation, stress, and unwanted memories flooding back in.. not to mention suppressed anger boiling and ready to explode, God worked His mysterious way for me. He and whatsherface took a wrong turn along time way (read: let's not confirm that we got the right address and set off into day, shall we?) and ended up in Indiana. (FYI: the Illinois-Indiana-Kentucky-Tennessee-Georgia-Florida route is of very deep and special importance to me. Dipping in Indiana.. not good. Hahaha!!)
I'm thinking he probably got frustrated finding out he ended up in the wrong part of town, seeing as I know he misses the wolfpack (I miss the wolfpack too!! But I guess, we can't always get what we want huh? :[ ). I'm thinking he tried to make do with what he has and made a day of it, not letting it end on a sour not. FYI, if that was me, we'd have been in the right place in a heartbeat. Oh well, that's makes both of us S.O.L then. Again with the sad face :[.
Anyway, the ladies and I powwowed and we pretty much covered that God rewarded me for AT LEAST TRYING to be the bigger person in the situation. Roger wanted his friend for his party, and he shall get it, regardless of the fact that it was supposedly a private party and all.
I'm just really thankful that regardless of the emotional stress I went through that day, I was able to enjoy that day with my adopted family and my friends without any gatecrashers. And hey, don't get me wrong, regardless of what he did to me, he is welcome just because whether I'm angry at him or not, he still resides in my heart together with all my friends that are special to me. He will always a spot, I guarantee it. But that's where I draw the line.
But for now, I'm just gonna have to settle with what I have. Because, from what I've seen so far, God has wonderful plans for me. What that is, I have yet to find out. =/
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